


Getting Paid, Getting Laid, and Gatorade

by theJuniorRoyals



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: ?? - Freeform, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Matchmaking, Mentions of Sex, Pining, a lot of memes, chat fic, i like underrated ships, just what we need, more chat fics, rare pairs, tags will be added i guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2018-12-07 03:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11615175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theJuniorRoyals/pseuds/theJuniorRoyals
Summary: swag daddy 69: what is the meaning of life??my name jeff: getting paid, getting laid, and gatorade.swag daddy 69: well said.(In which Soonyoung makes a chat in hopes he finds love for his lonely friends, not that they'll ever admit it)





	1. creation of man

**Author's Note:**

> i know what youre thinking. cam, you absolute piece of shit, what about your ot4?? dont worry, im still working on it, but i feel like this needed to be done even though i literally said i cant write chat fics cause its all dialogue but herre i am wow.  
> anyway this will probably be less often than normal cause this is harder than it looks??? and i know the word count is small but its all dialogue so its kinda long. ill try my best.  
> another note, i love rare pairs so sorry if you hate one of these rare pairs but i need them so bad. anyway read i guess idk
> 
> credit to my bff for some of these user names >>  
> swag daddy 69- seungcheol  
> oprah- jeonghan  
> kyle- joshua  
> number 1 showstopper- jun  
> vape god- soonyoung  
> my name jeff- wonwoo  
> muffin- jihoon  
> bitchass dog- seokmin  
> kramoda dragon- mingyu  
> thrasher- minghao  
> fuck ya chicken strips- seungkwan  
> grill king- hansol  
> nick carraway- chan

[ **vape god** added **fuck ya chicken strips** , **grill king** , **kyle** , **muffin** , **my name jeff** , **nick carraway** , **number 1 showstopper** , **oprah** , and **swag daddy 69** to a new group.]

 **kyle** : what in tarnation

 **oprah** : why Soonyoung.

 **vape god** : hear me out.  
**vape god** : we all dance together, why not chat together too???

 **muffin** : this is a horrible idea but I would expect no less coming from Soonyoung.

 **vape god** : Jihoon please spare me

 **nick carraway** : this could be fun we don’t know!

 **oprah** : chan…. No…

 **swag daddy 69** : I guess it could be pretty……. Lit… as the kids say these days.

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : jesus cheol never say that again  
**fuck ya chicken strips** : also youre the actual same age as jeonghan and josh??

 **swag daddy 69** : sshhh…

 **my name jeff** : how is this beneficial to any of us?

 **vape god** : some of us need to come closer together!! Some of us need to not be such debby downers, WONWOO.

 **my name jeff** : excuse me?

 **number 1 showstopper** : no one needs to get closer soonyoung we all know each other just fine!!

 **vape god** : so?? This could do us good!! Chan is on my side here. Right channie?

 **nick carraway** : I don’t have much of a choice here.

 **vape god** : atta boy.

 **muffin** : soonyoung, full offense but I am not taking orders from someone who calls themselves a vape god.

 **my name jeff** : savage

 **muffin** : my name jeff is dead

 **my name jeff** : SHUT YOUR FUCK UP

 **kyle** : ANYWAY  
**kyle** : I agree soonyoung this could be good for us! I’m in.

 **vape god** : THANKS JOSHIE  
**vape god** : any other takers??

 **oprah:** I don’t think we have a choice  
**oprah** : for the sake of my kids, straight from my womb, my birth canal itself, I will sacrifice.

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : jeonghan.  
**fuck ya chicken strips** : how long has it been since you have been laid.

 **oprah** : none of your fine business

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : well.

 **vape god** : also…. Should probably throw down that I want no gross things from you gays… pda is not accepted in this chat.

 **number 1 showstopper** : please repeat.

 **vape god** : … no pda.  
**vape god** : cda.  
**vape god** : chat displays of affection.

 **number 1 showstopper** : just to be clear… one more time

 **vape god** : jesus  
**vape god** : just don’t suck dick in the chat

 **swag daddy 69** : soonyoung you have a boyfriend  
**swag daddy 69** : who is in this chat at this very moment

 **nick carraway** : gonna put it out there now I can assure you all I will not suck dick in the chat im not exactly one for pda

 **number 1 showstopper** : so no impromptu nudes in the chat?

 **muffin** : junhui if I ever open this app and I see your dick in the messages I will personally gut you with my bare hands.

 **my name jeff** : all about the visuals  
**my name jeff** : but anyway… I feel like someone is going to be playing matchmaker and anohter seomthing tells me that is going to be soonyoung.

 **vape god** : WONWOO MY BOY,  
**vape god** : you are absoluetly goddamn correct

 **my name jeff** : why do I feel like this is bad

 **vape god** : no listen  
**vape god** : the three new boys who came a week ago! Super cute, super nice (love u chan) all could use someone to treat them good and a select few of you need to loosen up a bit  
**vape god** : obviously me and chan not included, junhui and joshua not included since josh is probably not answering due to being elbow deep in jun at this very moment as we speak but that makes it easier for us

 **my name jeff** : …visuals. Sometimes we don’t need em.

 **oprah** : do we even know their names?

 **vape god** : yes! They are seokmin mingyu and minghao and they are very nice.

 **oprah** : …go on.

 **vape god** : they are all 97 liners and mingyu is very tall and handsome and seokmin is very bight and all smiles and minghao is kind of quiet but funny and from china  
**vape god** : they said that they were anxious to come here because they knew no one! But I told them that my group of friends would treat them nicely.

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : I mean… we can try as best as possible.

 **swag daddy 69** : I will as well.

 **grill king** : same

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : ?????  
**fuck ya chicken strips** : were you asleep this whole goddamn time hansol

 **grill king** : you don’t own me

 **vape god** : anyway!  
**vape god** : I have their ID’s, I will add them

 **oprah** : … tall and handsome you say…

[ **vape god** added **bitchass dog** , **kramoda dragon** , and **thrasher** to the chat.]

 **vape god** : soooo seokmin, mingyu and minghao, these are my friends! They may seem mean but they arent I promise!  
**vape god** : say hello everyone

 **swag daddy 69** : hello

 **number 1 showstopper** : hi hi hi

 **bitchass dog** : hi!!

 **muffin** : hello

 **my name jeff** : hi

 **kyle** : hey guys!

 **thrasher** : hi everyone

 **grill king** : sup

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : hello!!

 **oprah** : hi

 **vape god** : okay, so, everyone seems strange and new here so not to be that elementary school teacher but lets do some introductions!

 **swag daddy 69** : here we go

 **vape god** : shut it old man  
**vape god** : I wont go since you three know me already but everyone else will!! You three can start first

 **grill king** : wow, soonyoung not taking a chance to talk about himself, im amazed.

 **vape god** : istg

 **bitchass dog** : I’ll go first!!  
**bitchass dog** : my name is Seokmin, I was born on feb 18, and I love to sing and i love making friends so don’t be shy because I am very open!!

 **muffin** : more singers… I’ll be talking to you soon.

 **bitchass dog** : okay!!

 **kyle** : that sounds so cryptic  
**kyle** : don’t worry seokmin, jihoon makes music.

 **bitchass dog** : ahh I see!!

 **thrasher** : I guess I’ll go next since mingyu is seeming to be a no show.  
**thrasher** : I’m minghao and I am from china and that’s about it

 **my name jeff** : fascinating

 **thrasher** : I appreciate your meme

 **my name jeff** : EVEN MORE FACISTINTING

 **vape god** : jesus christ wonwoo calm down  
**vape god** : since mingyu isnt here at the moment, we can start. Someone go.

 **my name jeff** : hi I am wonwoo, your meme dealer around here

 **muffin** : long sigh  
**muffin** : I am jihoon, sagittarius, 5’5”, don’t call me cute

 **my name jeff** : he likes it when u call him cute

 **muffin** : ssSO WHAT IF I like it????? Mind your fuck bisiness

 **swag daddy 69** : I am seungcheol, the oldest and they like to make fun of me for being old so I just started going along with it I guess.

 **number 1 showstopper** : hurry up ya geezer  
**number 1 showstopper** : anyway, im wen junhui, china born, sexiest man alive named by rolling stone magazine since yesterday at 2pm, my boyfriend is joshua hong if you try to get in his pants well um I’ll be there, and square, ready to post up.

 **thrasher** : ok remind me to never look joshua hong in the eye for more than two seconds

 **kyle** : hello I am said joshua hong u can call me josh don’t worry junhui is all talk and no walk he wont do anything as long as I say so  
**kyle** : right junnie??

 **number 1 showstopper** : yes babe…,,

 **oprah** : I am jeonghan.., yes.

 **grill king** : I am hansol, half white, big eyebrows, don’t talk about em.

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : thanks hansol  
**fuck ya chicken strips** : I am seungkwan!! Arguably the most friendly one here, very easy to talk to!

 **muffin** : yes, very arguably.

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : fuck you

 **nick carraway** : and I am chan, the youngest, and soonyoung’s boyfriend, don’t take anything he does seriously.

 **vape god** : thanks bae…  
**vape god** : anyway is that everyone??

 **bitchass dog** : everyone except mingyu…

 **kramoda dragon** : zsoryr I am here,,  
**kramoda dragon** : I had a complication, not important  
**kramoda dragon** : anyway I am mingyu! Most people see me as just a pretty face so, im kind of glad this meeting is happening over chat cause on here I cant disappoint anyone by my boring personality if they cant see my face.

 **my name jeff** : dam. U got some skeletons in the closet buddy?

 **kramoda dragon** : many,

 **thrasher** : can I ask a question

 **nick carrayway** : yes yes

 **thrasher** : mind to elaborate on your screen names

 **vape god** : ogh, well, I am vape god cause I am a vape god, clearly,

 **muffin** : smh

 **vape god** : jihoon is muffin cause it was a dare but I think he secretly likes it  
**vape god** : cheol is swag daddy 69 cause, well I don’t know  
**vape god** : jeonghan is oprah maybe cause he wants to be oprah?? I can only explain a few and that’s my own and jihoons

 **oprah** : nah you got me and cheol’s right.

 **my name jeff** : my name jeff is NOT dead and is still funny!!!

 **number 1 showstopper** : its dead, wonwoo  
**number 1 showstopper** : I am this name because , hve u seen me?  
**number 1 showstopper** : also the gabbie show,,

 **kyle** : what a gay  
**kyle** : im kyle cause ‘what the FUCK is up kyle no what’d you say dude step the fuck up’ was too long

 **nick carraway** : I am nick cause I like gatsby!!  
**nick carraway** : also nick is gay and no one can tell me other wise.

 **bitchass dog** : interesting.  
**bitchass dog** : I don’t really have an explaination for this I just was like ha that’s funny! So I am bitchass dog,  
**bitchass dog** : minghao is thrasher cause its all he ever wears but he doesn’t even SKATE

 **thrasher** : shut up

 **bitchass dog** : mingyu is kramoda dragon cause it’s a vine I guess?? Idk.

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : this is also a vine, a rather iconic vine

 **grill king** : I wore a grill once  
**grill king** : it was kinda hot

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : are you calling yourself hot

 **grill king** : self care

 **vape god** : I think that’s it?? Anyway thanks for participating everyone!!

 **bitchass dog** : question, why was this chat actually made?

 **vape god** : not gonna lie, but I love playing match maker and you guys will love each other  
**vape god** : but I am too tired to be cupid now,, so don’t worry your little bums too much, I gotta sleep, my bed is calling me  
**vape god** : unless that’s just chan.  
**vape god** : yep, just chan. Goodnight, just a warning, junhui, do not post nudes in this chat thanks

 **number 1 showstopper** : no promises.


	2. the reveal pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the first of a few feelings to be spilled in the chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry for the long wait writing a chat fic is a lot harder than it looks i regret starting this

**[Chat (13)]**

**number 1 showstopper** : I’m so bored, daddy~  
 **number 1 showstopper** : FUCK  
 **number 1 showstopper** : WQRONG CHRAT

 **vape god** : JUNHUI

 **grill king** : oh my god

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : HWTS happening oh ym go??

 **number 1 showstopper** : FUCKFUKCUFKCUFKC  
 **number 1 showstopper** : UOU AL SAW NOTHING

 **oprah** : jesus Christ Junhui have some dignity

 **my name jeff** : I can’t believe I got woken up from my nap because Junhui accidentally sexted the chat  
 **my name jeff** : ON THE SECOND DAY NO LESS

 **number 1 showstopper** : STOP IT WAS AN ACCIDENTA

 **kyle** : listen yall I had nothing to do with this

 **thrasher** : jun has a daddy kink this is news to me

 **swag daddy 69** : wait a minute  
 **swag daddy 69** : this means josh is top

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : oh my god??????

 **grill king** : JOSH TOPS

 **my name jeff** : I refuse to believe that  
 **my name jeff** : have you seen them????

 **bitchass dog** : well I mean did you not see him lowkey submit to Joshua yesterday in the chat??

 **my name jeff** : JUNHUI BOTTOMS

 **number 1 showstopper** : YES I BOTTOM OKAY LEAVE ,ME ALONE

 **muffin** : whats it like Joshua

 **kyle** : pretty fun to see him act tough in public

 **muffin** : please don’t continue that sentence

 **swag daddy 69** : don’t worry jun they don’t understand, they are just some foolish normies

 **oprah** : ???? cheol what

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : did cheol just admit to bottoming  
 **fuck ya chicken strips** : I need to lay down

 **vape god** : first of all who cares whos bottom and who isn’t  
 **vape god** : second of all, cheol has the ass for it, not that I was looking cause im not gay or anything

 **muffin** : Soonyoung you are literally gay

 **my name jeff** : are you saying you bottom Soonyoung

 **vape god** : no I am not I don’t have that kind of relationship im just saying if someone wants their ass rammed so be it  
 **vape god** : you go get that dick jun  
 **vape god** : just never in this chat ever again

 **grill king** : wdym when u say not that kind of realtionship

 **nick carraway** : we arent very sexual huhu

 **oprah** : good you are just a child

 **thrasher** : but he said not very sexual that implies there are some moments

 **nick carraway** : the.  
 **nick carraway** : yes there are some moments ok

 **vape god** : ok no more talking about my sex life

 **bitchass dog** : how long have you two been dating?

 **nick carraway** : almost two years!

 **bitchass dog** : oh wow whens the date

 **vape god** : two months!!

 **bitchass dog** : awww I want that kind of love ;-;

 **vape god** : no way I heard Jihoon does too???

 **muffin** : die

 **kramoda dragon** : how did you meet??

 **vape god** : through dance! The same dance we both do today still

 **kramoda dragon** : is that how Junhui and Joshua met?

 **my name jeff** : lol

 **swag daddy 69** : not quite

 **vape god** : would you like to explain Junhui??

 **kyle** : he is currently wallowing in embarrassment under my bedsheets so I don’t think he can

 **grill king** : wtf how did he get to your place so fast

 **kyle** : he was already here

 **oprah** : so he just decided to spice things up by sexting from the same room??  
 **oprah** : actually  
 **oprah** : don’t answer that

 **kyle** : me and jun actually met through a frat party, long story, but we fucked and that was the last time I ever bottomed

 **grill king** : so youre saying that yes Junhui did top at one point

 **kyle** : yes

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : incredible. Truly.

 **number 1 showstopper** : ok can we stop now thanks.

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : Soonyoung are you a virgin

 **vape god** : what  
 **vape god** : where did this come from

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : idk I feel like you are a virgin

 **nick carraway** : lol

 **vape god** : sigh  
 **vape god** : I am not a virgin Seungkwan. Thanks

 **grill king** : so you and chan have had sex??

 **vape god** : no!!

 **kramoda dragon** : so you fucked before… but not together

 **nick carraway** : yes why is this a hard concept

 **vape god** : also did I not say enough about my sex life

 **number 1 showstopper** : how about OTHER peoples sex life??

 **grill king** : not yours

 **number 1 showstopper** : the

 **kyle** : what about you Jeonghan  
 **kyle** : whats goin on in your sex life??

 **oprah** : leave me alone  
 **oprah** : nothing important is happening

 **swag daddy 69** : no one on your mind??

 **vape god** : yeah  
 **vape god** : no one long, tan, and handsome?

**[2 hours earlier, chat ‘me me big boy’ (7)]**

**oprah** : hoooly fufdkck I hjust saw mignyu on campus I need him to bone me hoyl fuck I need him ofg tm hod my lgs are shaking like a baby chihua huah

**[Chat (13)]**

**oprah** : fuck you

 **kyle** : woah buddy

 **number 1 showstopper** : he didn’t deny it!!!

 **oprah** : Junhui I thought we were friends  
 **oprah** : I’ll tell everyone about the Christmas party if you say anything

 **vape god** : WHAT CHRISTMAS PARTY

 **number 1 showstopper** : NOTHING  
 **number 1 showstopper** : Jeonghan you cunt I’ll come for you

 **thrasher** : what is happening

 **oprah** : nothing!! Do not worry! Nothing.

 **nick carraway** : I’m assuming Jeonghan is trying to hide something and Junhui knows and Jeonghan will spill an embarrassing secret about jun if he says anything

 **bitchass dog** : chan you are just a child I am so sorry you had to put up with them

 **nick carraway** : I’M EIGHTTEEN

**[Chat ‘me me big boy’ (7)]**

**oprah** : really Soonyoung  
 **oprah** : fuck off sincerely fuck off

 **vape god** : what??? He doesn’t know it’s about him  
 **vape god** : he was barely in the chat in the first place

 **my name jeff** : from what I heard from Seungkwan, Mingyu is a little thick when it comes to other people vaguing about him so he’s probably thinking you’re talking about someone else

 **oprah** : still!! Minghao and Seokmin are not that dumb they probably know

 **swag daddy 69** : so? At least it makes it easier for you if he is on to you  
 **swag daddy 69** : they can help or something

 **oprah** : literally end my life

 **number 1 showstopper** : I’ll say something

 **oprah** : Junhui if you do that I will cut your balls off

 **kyle** : im not stopping u maybe it will reduce his sex drive

 **number 1 showstopper** : rude

**[Chat (13)]**

**number 1 showstopper** : Jeonghan wants his back blown out by Mingyu

 **bitchass dog** : w h a t

 **thrasher** : LMFAO

 **grill king** : the tea is scalding

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : JUNHUI

 **vape god** : here it is ladies and gentlemen

 **my name jeff** : jun you are ruthless, josh u let your bf get away with this??

 **kyle** : yep

 **swag daddy 69** : jesus Christ

 **kramoda dragon** : meh. the feeling is mutual

 **oprah** : in 2013 junhui came to my house for a christmas party and we stole alcohol and went to my room and he got so drunk that he thought I was his crush from school and he took his dick you right then and there his whole dick and tried to fuck me and not a second of it was a joke.  
 **oprah** : wait hwat

 **number 1 showstopper** : CUNT

 **nick caraway** : what is happeneing

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : WHAT IS GOING ON

 **oprah** : wait wiat wiait what feleing. What is mutual.

 **kyle** : lmfao savage. Sex drive thru the roof even back then

 **kramoda dragon** : I don’t mind making your wish come true

 **my name jeff** : this… worked out better than expected.

 **muffin** : jesus Christ I leave for twenty minutes and this shit happens

 **kramoda dragon** : I’ll tell you now though I don’t top often

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : POWER BOTTOMS UNITE

 **oprah** : ffuck. Deal. I don’t give a fuck. I don’t care anymore Junhui youre still a little bitch though

 **number 1 showstopper** : what goes around comes around bitch


	3. the reveal pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the next few rounds of 'feelings' are revealed, just as the chapter title entails.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3 works in two days whats wrong with me!!  
> enjoy this shit while i proceed to not update for months again (im sorry i wrote this all i one day i will try to get better)  
> html coding is such a pain in the ass but i do it cause it looks nice!!  
> minimal lines from chan and seungkwan and jihoon i’m soryy jdksks

**my name jeff** : does anyone know the soup store video

 **grill king** : soup store??

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : hansol havent you learned not to ask

 **my name jeff** : yeah  
**my name jeff** : the code geass soup store video

 **thrasher** : that I do know it is quite a classic and I quote it on the daily

 **bitchass dog** : what are you talking about??

 **oprah** : sounds familiar I guess

 **swag daddy 69** : do I really want to know what this video is

 **nick caraway** : thank god Soonyoung is not here he knows this video and he says ‘im at the soup store’ literally ten times a day

 **thrasher** : an intellectual

 **my name jeff** : here me and Minghao will recreate it  
**my name jeff** : you start

 **thrasher** : im a little rusty I haven’t seen it in a while

 **my name jeff** : it’s okay  
**my name jeff** : improv

 **thrasher** : ok ok  
**thrasher** : hey… I need your help

 **my name jeff** : I can’t im buying clothes.

 **kyle** : what is happening

 **number 1 showstopper** : art

 **thrasher** : well hurry up

 **my name jeff** : I cant find them

 **thrasher** : what do you mean you cant find them

 **my name jeff** : theres only soup

 **thrasher** : what do you mean theres only soup…

 **my name jeff** : it means theres only soup

 **bitchass dog** : ????

 **thrasher** : get out of the soup asile!

 **my name jeff** : ok you don’t need to shout!!  
**my name jeff** : theres still soup

 **thrasher** : where are you?

 **my name jeff** : I’m at soup!

 **thrasher** : WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOURE AT SOUP

 **my name jeff** : IT MEANS IM AT SOUP

 **thrasher** : what store are you at???

 **my name jeff** : IM AT THE SOUP STORE

 **thrasher** : WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE

 **my name jeff** : FUCK YOU

 **thrasher** : thank u all

 **kyle** : that was a ride

 **oprah** : can I have the link??

 **my name jeff** : no just look it up im lazy.

 **oprah** : wow.

 **vape god** : SOUP STORE

 **nick caraway** : oh god hes here

 **vape god** : wow thanks chan  
**vape god** : but I came here not for that  
**vape god** : tbh Wonwoo and Minghao you have very similar personalities  
**vape god** : you should.. uhh ;) get together sometime.. ;)

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : i second that!

 **my name jeff** : Soonyoung.

 **thrasher** : I mean sure

 **kramoda dragon** : good idea! Minghao has been complaining that he cant get the attention of anyone lately.

 **thrasher** : mingyu that’s not the kind of things you say to people in a group chat.

 **kramoda dragon** : idk you thought it was pretty funny when Junhui revealed that Jeonghan wanted me three miles deep in his ass

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : omg...

 **oprah** : WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT RHAT

 **number 1 showstopper** : its true mingyu have you done it yet

 **kramoda dragon** : no I am preparing still  
**kramoda dragon** : gotta make sure my stamina is better than usual so I can last more than three minutes

 **thrasher** : why would you admit that about yourself

 **kramoda dragon** : its either roast yourself or be roasted

 **thrasher** : … true shit

 **oprah** : pkease,, I don’t want ot talk about this in th group chat…

 **vape god** : ANYWAY  
**vape god** : Wonwoo and Minghao can u please fuck

 **thrasher** : sure whats your requirements

 **my name jeff** : must be a switch and must be okay with quoting vines on the regular

 **thrasher** : done and done whats your address I’m coming over with condoms and the first five seasons of drake and josh on dvd

 **my name jeff** : god hurry up im rock solid

 **swag daddy 69** : I wish I could reel people in this easily

 **kyle** : gee I wonder why you don’t

 **vape god** : yeah yeah Minghao don’t fuck Wonwoo too hard… anyway

 **my name jeff** : wait a minute you think im a bottom??

 **vape god** : …  
**vape god** : so how about the weather

**[45 minutes later]**  
**[chat ‘me me big boy’ (7)]**

**my name jeff** : um???  
**my name jeff** : Minghao is at my apartment who told him my address

 **vape god** : I plead guilty

 **my name jeff** : IWASNT SERIOUS SOONYOUNG

 **vape god** : he liked u Wonwoo!! Be nice!!  
**vape god** : he asked me for ur address cause he wanted to see you and tbh I probably shouldn’t say this but he did think you were serious and he wanted to go over

 **my name jeff** : for sex???

 **vape god** : I DON’T KNOW OKAY HES A CHILD AND HE JUST WANTS LOVE HES BEEN LONELY FOR A LONG TIME

 **muffin** : omg Minghao actually showed up

 **oprah** : where were u all day mister?

 **muffin** : eat my ass Jeonghan

 **oprah** : oh-

 **my name jeff** : NOT IMPORTANT  
**my name jeff** : I don’t know what to do?? This is my first time meeting him??

 **vape god** : wait hwat

 **my name jeff** : I have never met him before and now hes here!! And he actually brought a drake and josh dvd so I am letting him stay because hello drake and josh

 **vape god** : do u want to fuck him??

 **my name jeff** : Soonyoung you can’t ask me shit like that u know I’m not that kind of guy

 **muffin** : that’s the best lie I heard all day

 **my name jeff** : ???

 **muffin** : Wonwoo you will stick your dick into anything with a pulse  
**muffin** : if Minghao wants to have sex then you have sex because I’m sure internally you really aren’t complaining about it

 **my name jeff** : what do I dooooo

 **swag daddy 69** : look im not the best with relationships but

 **muffin** : clearly

 **swag daddy 69** : hey, rude  
**swag daddy 69** : Jihoon is right, if he is clearly showing interest in you and you have interest back, theres nothing to lose. If you don’t, really only the truth is the worst thing to hear

 **my name jeff** : ugh, ,, hes so nice and cute hes just sitting here laughing at the show and my heart is just dfhkjsfascfd so I  don’t know if he really wants me or if he wants company

 **kyle** : Wonwoo be a fucking MAN

 **number 1 showstopper** : put your phone down and just go sit with him for fucks sake

 **my name jeff** : FINE FINE  
**my name jeff** : ok im going to go now then ill let u know what happens

 **vape god** : finally

 **number 1 showstopper** : my boy finally getting some that’s what im talking about

 **kyle** : hey jun u wanna come over im lonely and kinda turned on

 **number 1 showstopper** : fuck yeah

 **muffin** : this is why I don’t reply

**[chat ‘3 musSKRRTteers’ (3)]**

**thrasher** : gys what th efukkkk

 **bitchass dog** : omg what now

 **thrasher** : ownowo is so hgotttt  
**thrasher** : HELPE mee???

 **kramoda dragon** : what is he doing

 **thrasher** : SITTING NEX TOT ME  
**thrasher** : omg he came ot sit next to me on the floor cause were watching drake na djosh and he put his arms over my shoulder and probably thinks its weird that im texting but fuckkkkkk  
**thrasher** : I need him twelve inches in my small intestine how do I tell him that???

 **bitchass dog** : spare the details please

 **kramoda dragon** : get closer to him?? Flirt?? Of course without making a mess of yourself

 **thrasher** : HE JUST FGOT UP TO GEWT US FRINKS  
**thrasher** : HIS THIGHS ARE TFUCKING THINGCK I NEED HIM TO FUCK ME TEN WAYS TO TUESDAY

 **bitchass dog** : SPARE THE DETAILS

 **thrasher** : I m sorry nbut I cant right now I need to saysomething

 **kramoda dragon** : do it pussy

 **thrasher** : IM NOT A PUUSSY  
**thrasher** : IM GONNA DO IT

 **bitchass dog** : thank god please do not put any more details in this chat

**[5 hours later]**  
**[chat ‘me me big boy’ (7)]**

**my name jeff** : lads…

 **vape god** : omg…

 **number 1 showstopper** : did u fuck???

 **my name jeff** : I am a reborn man my fellows

 **swag daddy 69** : holy shit

 **my name jeff** : that ass…  
**my name jeff** : has in fact been tapped

 **oprah** : GET IT IN!!!

 **my name jeff** : god it was like… an out of body experience…. The enthusiasm.. the energy of it all… the multiple rounds..

 **vape god** : jeez okay you can stop

 **my name jeff** : I am ascending now I will see you all on the other side

 **oprah** : dick so bomb he fucking DIED


	4. the reveal pt 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back again this is a mess sorry

**oprah** : you know  
 **oprah** : soonyoung is the vape god but I’ve never actually seen him vape.

 **vape god** : excuse me I vape all the time

 **nick carraway** : unfortunately that is True all he does is blow vape clouds in my face

 **swag daddy 69** : wow soonyoung this is how you treat your boyfriend

 **my name jeff** : I tried to vape once and almost threw up

 **thrasher** : …. stick to xanax wonwoo

 **my name jeff** : I-

 **oprah** : oh god I had a horrible experience with xanax

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : do I even want to know?

 **oprah** : I would say no but cheol is probably going to spill the beans anyway

 **kyle** : whos making beans

 **swag daddy 69** : jeonghan popped one or two at a party once and he was So faded he had to piss so bad and he went to the bathroom and didn’t even notice there were PEOPLE in there and just proceeded to take his dick out and pee while people were trying to fuck

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : oh…..my god

 **grill king** : sounds like how me and seungkwan met

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : Excuse! Me!

 **muffin** : why haven’t I left this chat yet.

 **vape god** : because you have a crush on someone in here

 **my name jeff** : WHAT

 **swag daddy 69** : Get it in!

 **thrasher** : oh Jihoon yes

 **muffin** : Soonyoung you absolute cunt

 **nick carraway** : its alright Jihoon everyone here is a mess we shant tell anyone!

 **bitchass dog** : sorry I’m late I had a nap scheduled  
 **bitchass dog** : what did I miss

 **nick carraway** : Jihoon likes someone and Jeonghan shouldn’t take xanax anymore

 **bitchass dog** : oooh fun

 **kramoda dragon** : which part of that is fun

 **oprah** : where have you been Mingyu

 **kramoda dragon** : missed me?

 **oprah** : ouh,

 **swag daddy 69** : okay don’t flirt over text Jeonghan just moaned out loud.

 **kyle** : you’re with him?

 **swag daddy 69** : unfortunately.

**[chat ‘me me big boy’ (7)]**

**muffin** : WHY would you say that Soonyoung.

 **vape god** : I just think it’s time!

 **muffin** : Seokmin is not as dense as you are. He will easily figure out that it's him.

 **kyle** : jihoon I know what your hesitation is but theres nothing to lose

 **oprah** : yeah! you don’t see him in person and you don’t have to talk to him in the chat

 **muffin** : so? It will still be so embarrassing and it will be known as my legacy that I managed to fuck up a relationship before it even started

 **vape god** : you don’t know that jihoon! Really just say something or I will

 **my name jeff** : yikes  
 **my name jeff** : ji I would do it before soonyoung does I do not want to see that

 **muffin** : ugh you all are so annoying  
 **muffin** : what do I even do?  
 **muffin** : he is going to think I am 100% weird because I have only ever seen him in pictures and a few times he has walked by me but didn’t know what I looked like.

 **swag daddy 69** : theres a first for everything?

 **muffin** : gee thanks that’s real comforting

 **vape god** : jihoon seriously! Theres nothing to lose  
 **vape god** : we got jeonghan and mingyu together! Kind of,,  
 **vape god** : and we got wonwoo and Minghao together so do not worry. Really.

 **muffin** : no. I am not saying anything yet.

 **vape god** : fine! Be a stubborn child

**[chat (13)]**

**bitchass dog** : ugh I’m watching black butler  
 **bitchass dog** : Sebastian can take me any day of the week

 **kramoda dragon** : nerd wtf

 **thrasher** : Mingyu you were binging yuri on ice two weeks ago

 **nick carrway** : ouch…

 **grill king** : oh shit you watch yoi  
 **grill king** : who do you like

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : Hansol this is so GAY

 **kramoda dragon** : viktor! My gay daddy

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : ok nevermind

 **grill king** : same but not same  
 **grill king** : I love viktor but im a yuuri stan

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : ok I’m leaving

 **nick carraway** : so The Great Gatsby

 **kyle** : shut up chan you nerd

 **vape god** : yall! I need some advice for a friend of mine

 **thrasher** : don’t ask Mingyu  
 **thrasher** : he gives the worst advice

 **kramoda dragon** : …rude but I agree

 **vape god** : Mingyu I am sorry for whatever hurt you but this is important  
 **vape god** : I have a friend named Mihoon who has a crush on this other guy that he knows but doesn’t really know and wants to say something but cant cause the other guy will think its weird cause they never met irl but kind of met online?  
 **vape god** : any tips?

**[muffin left the chat]**

**oprah** : yikes

**[chat ‘me me big boy’ (7)]**

**muffin** : MIHOON  
 **muffin** : SOONYOUNG I WANT YOU DEAD

 **vape god** : idk I told you I would say something  
 **vape god** : come back to the chat!!

 **muffin** : no

 **kyle** : literally who is going to know its you  
 **kyle** : no one.

**[chat (13)]**

**bitchass dog** : are we talking about jihoon having a fat crush on me  
 **bitchass dog** : this is old news tbh.

**[chat ‘me me big boy’ (7)]**

**swag daddy 69** : yeah no one????

 **vape god** : ok jihoon don’t go back to the chat on second thought.

 **muffin** : surprised you thought twice about something.

 **my name jeff** : oof

**[chat (13)]**

**oprah** : umm!!  What!!

 **bitchass dog** : oh yeah it’s not a big deal lmao soonyoung can’t keep his mouth shut  
 **bitchass dog** : no hard feelings though

 **kyle** : do you… like him too

 **bitchass dog** : I mean sure  
 **bitchass dog** : I wanna hear him say it though lol

 **swag daddy 69** : ruthless…

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : savage

 **grill king** : yeah someone add him back  
 **grill king** : soonyoung?

 **vape god** : on it

**[vape god added muffin]**

**vape god** : anyway  
 **vape god** : where were we

 **muffin** : I was just leaving

 **oprah** : STAY  
 **oprah** : jihoon……… go on

 **muffin** : what  
 **muffin** : what the fuck do you want are you waiting for me to die or something

 **my name jeff** : some of us are.

 **muffin** : right back at you dickhead

**[chat (2)]**

**bitchass dog** : hey Jihoon  
 **bitchass dog** : sorry if this is too direct but I know you like me

 **muffin** : ooh, fuck

 **bitchass dog** : don’t worry  
 **bitchass dog** : I like you too  
 **bitchass dog** : it would be nice if we could meet in person though

 **muffin** : um.. yeah I would really like that  
 **muffin** : can I tell you something weird  
 **muffin** : maybe creepy.

 **bitchass dog** : go for it

 **muffin** : I think I really started to like you when I heard you sing  
 **muffin** : soonyoung showed me a video and I just,,,  
 **muffin** : loved it

 **bitchass dog** : its not that great haha  
 **bitchass dog** : it needs work.

 **muffin** : none at all  
 **muffin** : it’s great

 **bitchass dog** : thank you jihoon  
 **bitchass dog** : I could have really used someone like you when I was really down a while back.

**[chat ‘me me big boy’ (7)]**

**oprah** : they fuckin orrrr

 **vape god** : jesus

 **kyle** : hes sensitive! Let the boy get some love

 **number 1 showstopper** : speaking of love I’m so horny.

 **kyle** : on it

 **my name jeff** : WHERE DID YOU—WHY DID YOU—JUNHUI.


	5. epic roast!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long unnecessary wait i'm a piece of shit

**grill king** : Number One Victory Royale! EPIC WIN!

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : jesus fuck

 **name jeff** : youre a fucking loser Hansol

 **grill king** : FUCK you Wonwoo what have you ever done with your life that was so good huh??

 **swag daddy 69** : okay let’s cool it

 **kyle** : no, let him finish.

 **my name jeff** : I didn’t disappoint my parents.

 **grill king** : What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

 **oprah** : HANSOL

 **my name jeff** : I… have been defeated.  
**my name jeff** : I accept this bitter defeat

 **grill king** : that’s what I thought pussy

 **thrasher** : please stop playing fortnite.

 **grill king** : fuck you Minghao go suck Wonwoo’s dick or something

 **thrasher** : got it and won’t ask again!

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : I have to deal with this every day!!! Someone kill me!!

 **nick caraway** : from the looks of it, Hansol can do it for you. In a very professional way.

 **vape god** : what in the fuck is going on in here on this very day

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : Hansol is addicted to a dumbass pc game and Minghao is deepthroating Wonwoo as we speak

 **vape god** : yeah what the Fuck :)

 **thrasher** : I mean you’re not wrong.

 **vape god** : okay and I’m leaving now.

 **swag daddy 69** : anyways wonderful weather we’re having

 **kyle** : anything worth noting on this fine day?

 **number 1 showstopper** : im horny

 **nick carraway** : Stephen… please!

 **number 1 showstopper** : PLEASE change your display name to nick colletti

 **nick caraway** : as much as im sure that would bring me to my full potential I could never undermine the genius of the vine king.

 **number 1 showstopper** : understandable have a nice day

 **muffin** : Christ almighty I come on to see Hansol threatening guerilla warfare on Wonwoo and things I didn’t need to hear from Minghao and jun.

 **bitchass dog** : you can hear it from me if you want

 **muffin** : on second thought…

 **kramoda dragon** : no time for this  
**kramoda dragon** : something important just happened and I need everyone to listen.

 **oprah** : what is it

 **kyle** : that was a little fast Jeonghan

 **oprah** : eat my ass Joshua

 **kramoda dragon** : LISTEN TO ME  
**kramoda dragon** : so furries

 **kyle** : imma stop you right there buddy

 **kramoda dragon** : no listen  
**kramoda dragon** : we give furries way too much shit these days. They’re out here doing their best and living their best lives being their furry selves and we just give them shit left and right cause what? We think they deserve it? No because we’re assholes. Look I found a furry youtube channel and they were so chill. LITERALLY so chill like furries are minding their own business and we’re out here shitting on the just cause they hide behind fursuits to feel comfortable. Anyway I think my fursona is a snow fox.

 **swag daddy 69** : yeah what the fuck

 **oprah** : mingyu honey do you need to talk something out

 **kramoda dragon** : Jeonghan NO just be a furry with me. We can have furry sex

 **oprah** : WE ARE NOTHAVING FURRY SEX

 **kyle** : hey jun wanna have furry sex

 **number 1 showstopper** : oh fuck yeah come over Now daddy

 **nick carraway** : Stephen….. pleassee..

 **kramoda dragon** : I needed to say that. I’m tired of the slander against furries.

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : okay understood will not slander a furry whenever mingyu is in earshot

 **thrasher** : he’ll yiff ya

 **grill king** : a lot of furries play fortnite

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : jesus shit UP

 **bitchass dog** : stop threatening Hansol he’ll kill you in your sleep while he’s transcended into the dream realm

 **grill king** : fuck yeah I will

 **muffin** : can we ever have a normal day in this chat for once.

 **bitchass dog** : not when you make my heart race like this, Jihoon.

**[muffin has left the chat]**

**bitchass dog** : goteem

 **vape god** : you gotta teach me how to do that

 **bitchass dog** : be greasy? I thought you could do that already

 **vape god** : wow okay first of all

 **thrasher** : im tired as fuque yall  
**thrasher** : I’m gonna go suck dick

 **number 1 showstopper** : how can you suck wonwoo’s dick when hes still recovering from the third degree burns he received earlier

 **my name jeff** : first of all jun I’m not a pussy unlike you  
**my name jeff** : I can still get a good succ while im icing these burns

 **number 1 showstopper** : IM NOT A PUSSY  
**number 1 showstopper** : I’ll have you know Joshua denied my sex yesterday and I didn’t even cry so whos the pussy now pussy

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : you guys are throwing around the word pussy a lot for men who only like men.

 **thrasher** : ouch but agreed.

 **grill king** : EPIC ROAST!

 **fuck ya chicken strips** : shut UPPPPPP

**Author's Note:**

> distract me more on twitter @_ilstagram
> 
> also this is my first time doing html coding for the bold text so im sorry if i messed up please let me know and leave suggestions for future chapters in the comments!!


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